NOAH 2010: how to screw up a technology conference

NOAH 2010: how to screw up a technology conference: Milo Yiannopoulos discovers every possible conference taboo broken by London's NOAH.

Thinking of starting a technology conference? Here's a handy sliver of organisational best practice I never thought I'd have to dish out: don't bark at your guests - many of whom are urbane investor types, better acquainted with the etiquette of the drawing room than with brash fishwifery - in the manner of a camp kommandant. And try not to threaten them with a curtailed lunch break should they fail to leap into their seats at sound of your voice.

Sounds obvious, doesn't it. But apparently it hadn't occurred to Marco Rodzynek, the organiser of last week's NOAH conference in London, who found himself on the receiving end of mischievous cries of, "Ein Reich! Ein Volk! Ein Führer!" in the corridors from his fee-paying attendees. Surprising, really, given that 85 per cent of the delegates were German.

Naturally, this column would never condone childish and insensitive responses to a frazzled organiser's desperate entreaties - and especially in this case, given the enormous continental contingent. But the shrill bossiness of the man on the speakerphone last week caused considerable mirth, and it's only fair to report on it, along with the Ministry of Silly Walks impressions that followed each torturous announcement.

You see, delicate gatherings of elite business types nestled in luxury Park Lane hotels do not need to be squawked at like Billingsgate Market punters, or bullied like insubordinate children. "I felt like being back at school," said one well-known London entrepreneur. "I wasn't sure if I ought to raise my hand to ask if I could go to the bathroom."

I hope Mr Rodzynek will indulge me if I offer a few further nuggets of wisdom. Firstly, it is advisable at an internet conference to provide delegates with the internet. As was once infamously observed of another, larger, gathering, "LeWeb without the web is just... Le." A hotel of the size and prestige of the Park Lane Hilton ought to be able to provide a reliable connection to a few hundred laptops. If it can't, the conference should be moved.